Wednesday, June 25, 2008

There is so much to write about, and yet words fail me. Or ideas fail me. So I have not written. I have started posts, then put them aside and left them to germinate into inspiration for me to write. Which they did not do. They simply sat there looking at me, waiting for me to complete the thoughts I started.

I have had a landslide of sadness these past 6 weeks or so, along with a healthy side of worry and concern. The death of two people near and dear to me, mixed up with health scares of others near and dear to me, has put me in a funk. And tango has been a precious release for me. I have not thought about technique, I have not thought about position, posture or pointing my toes. I have simply tried to find bliss is the moment. And it has helped.

At a practica recently, I became very vehement against trying something that I did not believe would help the issue at hand. And I got mad. Really mad. And I realize now that it was because I did not want to analyze who was doing what wrong, I wanted to dance and connect. I did not want to find fault. Or look at what was wrong. I wanted to look at what was right. I wanted to feel better. If I had known that at the time, I could have verbalized it. But all I knew was that I did not want to hear what was wrong with me. Even though that was not what was being said.

This past weekend we went to NYC despite my having to be back on Monday for another funeral. Actually, we went because of my having to be back on Monday for another funeral. I lost my grief dancing. I was selfish, I did not accept any dances I did not want to have, and I also did not get to dance with everyone that I wanted to. But I found escape that night, which was what I needed. And then the next morning, sitting around the breakfast table with friends, eating french toast, nectarines and coffee, I felt relaxed. Exhausted, but relaxed.

I am going to be leaving for the wilds of Tanglewood in a couple of weeks to work on the opera, Mahagonny, and will be technology and tango free for 5 weeks. I love working out in Tanglewood, it is gorgeous and although we work long, tough hours, it is such a labour of love that it is worth being removed from the city and those I love for a little while. I was thinking of filling the time before then with classes and structure. But I think instead what I need instead is just to dance. And maybe find some healing.

5 comments:

Elizabeth said...

Debbi, This is a good post. I absolutly relate. With big life and death issues around me this past year, I just got so much therapy from tango, and I, like you, did not care of technical stuff. I also found myself really really angry and not always appropriate. Going to work at Tanglewood sounds so great. Work is therapy too, and nature. I will be thinking of you!

Johanna said...

I hope the darkness passes soon, Debbi. And if tango brings solace, enjoy it anyway you can.

Debbi said...

Johanna and Elizabeth - thank you for your comments and kind words.

NYC Tango Pilgrim said...

Debbi,

Glad that you also found escape in dancing. I have been in the same boat more or less for the past few weeks.

Have a good time in Tanglewood. I think it will do you good.

tangobaby said...

Hi debbi,

I'm so glad to know that tango has been able to provide you with some joy and suspension of sadness for a time. I hope that the transition from grief to happiness gets easier for you and you continue to find moments that give you comfort, in tango and out.