Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Ahhhh.. so that's my issue.....

It's been a hell of a summer so far. I am hoping it gets better soon. It has to, right? :-)
I have been listening to Annie Lenox recently (*gasp* NOT tango music?!?!? heh heh, yep, not tango music.... shocking, I know.....), and I always listen to Annie when I am melancholy or having quietude in my life. I have a playlist titled Mellow - and I have been listening to it as I integrate into Sorin's home (I hope soon "My home" will flow easily from me). I could not figure out what was wrong with me, Sorin even mentioned to me that I have been out of sorts recently. And I did not figure out what my issue was until today, when I ran into a friend who asked the innocent question of "What's new?" and I started to tell her all the new things happening (most of which are all good), and when I started to tell her about the death of my friend a few weeks ago, I broke down into tears. My core is still shaken from his death. My heart is broken for my friend and "sister", his wife; and his step-daughter, my god-daughter. I can't even type this without feeling my heart swell and drop in my ribs.

He was the same age as me, a few months older. He fought cancer for over a decade, and every time he entered that battle field he was nothing but positive and victorious. The amount of good he did in the world humbles me. He was politically active in his town, he owned a business that was a haven for the youth of his community and he gave them a place to be at night that kept them off the street. He loved my god-daughter as if she was his own blood and was a marvel with her. He was over 6 feet tall, his wife under 5 feet and they fit together perfectly.

I am still mourning the loss of such a spark in my universe. Now that I realize why I have been so out of sorts, I can work towards finding positivity again. Being snappish, sad, glum and unbalanced is not a good way to honor his memory. I have so much to celebrate right now, so I am going to work towards offering thanks for the happinesses in my life and to stop being a grumblecakes or DebbiDowner.... ;-)

7 comments:

Sorin said...

:-*

Caroline said...

The death of a loved one can really slam us out of the blue weeks or months after they passed away. Yes, we grieve when we learn the news but the breakdown tends to happen much later, like a delayed reaction. I'm sorry you've lost a dear friend.

EMKNewYork said...

I'm sorry as well...I've never left a comment before even though I read your blog regularly. I feel compelled to share some of my own "soul-healing-music"--- Neko Case. Her Fox Confessor album speaks to my heart and it may bring you some peace.

Elizabeth said...

I am surprised at how long it takes. Just when you think you are fine, it comes back at the most unlikely times, and we just have to be in it.
Hugs to you girl.
E

Debbi said...

Thank you everyone for such supportive and sensitive words. They are appreciated. I have decided to return to my positive outlook and try to find balance again in order to be the best support for my dear friend and goddaughter. It is amazing how affecting such an experience is.

Oh, and Sorin - :-* back at you. :-)

tangobaby said...

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. I read the other post and he sounded like an incredible individual, one that this world needs so many more of.

The wonderful thing is that you are there to help preserve his memory and to be a comfort to his family who miss him, too.

Alex said...

Hi Debbi...I'm sorry to hear about your friend...I hope you're feeling better...