There is nothing like having it brought to your attention in a crystal clear way that you are still just not good enough. Despite working hard in practice to become a better dancer, despite losing yourself in the music and the movement and enjoying your leader's lead thoroughly.... despite all of that, it can still not be enough. It seems to be a common theme with me, and perhaps with others, I reach a point where I become happy with myself. I am proud of the journey I have taken, I am proud of reaching a point where 90% of the time I am moving well and feeling the music, I am proud of my feet, of my musicality, of my connections. And then, whammo! Apparently not so much. It is exhausting really, and although I know I should not take it personally. I can not help it at times because dancing to me is personal. It is me.
I do know that I am at a point that leaders dance with me not just because I show promise, but because I am now showing a style. Which honestly rocks my world. The other night at my happy milonga, one of my favorite leaders interrupted a conversation I was having because a milonga set was on, he wanted to dance it , and he wanted to dance it with me. You could have given me a puppy and I would not have been happier. It absolutely made my year, that moment. And then shortly after that, on another night, when there were the elite surrounding me, and in 4 and a half hours I danced 5 tandas and two songs. And three of those tandas and one song were with Sorin, they were good tandas and I had a great time dancing with him, but I know that he will dance with me even when the room is heavy with advanced dancers. Sometime near the end of the night, I simply took my shoes off. It seemed farcical to me to keep them on after sitting for almost 90 minutes. Darling that he is, before we left, Sorin danced one more song with me when he was completely out of steam and I was in my stockinged feet. And full of energy, while everyone else was depleted from dancing. Memories of childhood were surfacing, being chosen last for whatever game we were playing as I was the smallest, youngest and slowest in my class. Those feelings , although buried deep, still resonate no matter how old, confident and secure we become in life. Ironic.
The ride home I tried to discuss this unemotionally, but it was hard to do so. I found myself fighting tears a couple of times, desperate to not let the wound show. But wound there was. And it pissed me off that I felt that way. Even now after a little time has passed, it still pisses me off that I am still upset about it. But what to do? Practice harder? Ask for feedback from those who chose to not dance with me? Work on becoming more like the followers that they do ask to dance? Change my perfume? Wear a different color?
I am thinking that I will simply continue on the path I have started on, work towards becoming the dancer I want to be, and do my best to not be upset when I am snubbed, feel slighted, or sit for hours on end.
And maybe, if I am disciplined enough, it will stop smarting when these nights happen....
In the words of a tango blogger whose writings I sorely miss...
me - 5
TangoCoaster - 1.5 million
But a least I have 5.