Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Cruel to be Kind????

At a very popular NYC milonga, I found myself in an awkward situation. I think that the choice that I made might have been the correct one, even though it was perhaps the "wrong" one as I did give unsolicited feedback in a sense.

So, as I was sitting chatting with a friend, this young man comes up and asks me to dance. I've never seen him before, I had not seem him dance yet (it was the beginning of the night), and he was not wearing dance shoes. hum. I very politely said "Thank you, but not right now." He then nodded towards my friend, who was now involved in a conversation with the person on the other side of her, and said "How about your friend?"


I looked at him in amazement (and not the good kind), and realized that he was not an ass and not being rude, he was in all sincerity asking me to get my friend's attention. My sharp Irish tongue itched behind my teeth, but I decided to take a different route. So I said "How long have you been dancing tango?"
He looked surprised at my response and said he had started in May, why was I asking. I replied that what he just asked me was considered incredibly rude in tango etiquette, and that this milonga was not the easiest on beginners, so perhaps he should change his tactics if he wanted to have his invitations accepted.
He sort of fell down into the chair beside me, absolutely crestfallen, and said "Is that why I can't get anyone to dance with me???"

Oh boy. Tango Etiquette Lesson 101

I then explained to him how one should ask someone to dance, how to take rejection graciously, to not go down the line of women asking one right after the other, and how to read a follower's body language when walking up to her. He sat there taking it all in, asking questions that were perceptive, until he finally said "What else do I need to know?"
Yikes, I did not want to teach a seminar, only give him some advice. So I told him to do some research on line, that there were some really good websites with this info on them, such as the ones below:


I also pointed to the DJ and said that he was an excellent teacher who taught social tango, and he should look into classes with him as well as observe what happened on the dance floor. How did the better dancers ask others to dance? How do they behave?

He thanked me for telling him these things and wandered away. I saw him later sitting on one of the back seats, watching the leaders in the room. Which made me feel better about what I did. I would like to think that I may have helped someone perhaps stay in the scene, as opposed to never understanding why everyone is "snobby" and leaves to go salsa or grow bonsai or something else other than tango.

Saturday, July 10, 2010


To my mind, there are very few absolutes in tango. Tango is many things to many people. Tango can also be One thing to some people. And all of that is fine and good. What I am having less and less tolerance for is people who have absolutely no tolerance for others. I have read in blogs, heard in milongas, and read on facebook from some folks that Tango IS X and only X and anything other than X is not Tango, but some other dance that should not be allowed in a milonga.

Come off of it.

Tango is a wide range of styles, preferences, movements, music and dance. Some of these things I personally don't care for too much. But I still acknowledge them as tango, just perhaps not my tango. However I embrace a wide range of these elements. For example, I am a close embrace dancer. It is what I prefer and enjoy. However, some of my favorite leaders either go in and out of open and close embraces, or they really enjoy open embrace. So I have learned and am practicing open embrace. I even took a private lesson with an excellent open embrace dancer/teacher for the sole purpose of being able to improve an area that I know is a weakness so that I am a more versatile dancer. Does this make me a tango heretic? I don't think so. I think it opens up doors and possibilities.

I read from one blogger who was complaining about an open embrace move and how it was not tango and how it ruined the moment for her. However, from the comments that followed it came out that she did not actually know the technique of how to follow the move. Perhaps if she learned it then although the move might never be her favorite, it might not be such an earth shattering break for her if it is lead. Instead of reviling this move (which is not any sort of aerial or lift or other "stage tango" step, but it is a more nuevo move that requires a break of the embrace and for the follower to be on her axis and responsive in a particular way), it might have been more productive to say "hum, well, that was awkward. I should ask so-and-so in practica what exactly he expects from his follower when he leads that."

If we homogenize tango, and take out everything that is "not" tango, I wonder if we would be left with anything? Mostly because I don't think that everyone would be able to agree as to what IS tango and therefor everything would be weeded out.

The normal human reaction to that which we don't understand is usually with fear and derision. But instead of reacting that way, wouldn't it make more sense to pause and reflect as to what it is that is making us upset, and maybe by understanding it, we could accept it. You don't have to love it, or even like it, but acceptance will take you a long way in tango, and life....

Monday, June 28, 2010

BA advice

I have had numerous friends who are going to BA ask me for advice in day to day things. So I have written up some advice on different topics from my diary and e-mailed it out. I have received such positive feedback that I keep thinking I should post it. Then a friend who has been to BA numerous times wrote me today for the link to my blog as they wanted to read it before leaving tomorrow (jealous!!!) - so I thought I should add this in. So here it is - my observations and thoughts.

Common sense that no one tells you:

In the higher end shops they speak English, but other than that, very few folks do. Learn the basics of Spanish and if you can bring a digital translator with you, that is a good idea.

Hoard your coins. really. They have not minted coins in almost a dozen years so people are reticent to give them out. You will need them for the subte and collectivo. However, when going to the verdulerias, I always gave them exact change, and they always gave me better produce. It can be a "you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours" society.

There is no such thing as orange juice as we know it outside of a cafe. They sell something called orange juice in the supermarkets, but it has corn syrup, starch and other shit added, tastes awful - don't buy it. But the packaged grapefruit juice is amazing, tart and wonderful. they don't add anything to that. go figure.....

If you need any soy products, go to barrio Chino to the Casa de Soya, best soy milk I every bought, made fresh daily and no preservatives, so if you don’t drink it within a week it will turn to tofu, and they carry all things soy. wonderful wonderful folks there.

don't drink the tap water. Really. Truly. buy your water.

Water – it comes two ways “con gas” (seltzer) or “sin gas” (flat) and in glass bottles which if you buy at the market you bring back for recycling.

don't tip cab drivers. it is not done there, and marks you as a tourist. That being said, some of the cab drivers are wonderful old men who will tell you all sorts of history of their city. I always added a pesos for them as they were so amusing. However, the cab fare is always rounded up or down due to the coin shortage.

Hide your money in different places on your person. We never had a problem, but we were wary and smart. I know a few people who were mugged. I kept my money in my bra, I figured I would notice if someone picked that pocket. In the milongas, don't have anything in your bag that you would mind losing. La Viruta is notorious for bags going missing. I always used the coat check at any venue that had one. usually 2 pesos (about 30 cents) for peace of mind.

At the pharmacy there are carbon pills - pastillas negra - buy them. they will cure your upset stomach and diarrhea which you will get. everyone does. most medicines can be purchased at the pharmacy without prescription, you just need to know what you want, and most pharmacists I encountered did not speak english, so you need to know what the medicine is that you need. Also, they are not like pharmacists in North America. They will not advise on what to take, you need to know what you want.

When shopping, you have to try everything on, there is no sizing regulations or consistency. I bought size 1, 2 and 3 and in shoes I bought 37, 36 1/2 and 36's.

I would strongly recommend NOT using your credit card. Only higher end restaurants and shops take them, but several folks who used them had credit theft or fraud happen. It really is a cash only society. Most ATMs will only let you take about 300 pesos out at a time, which is a pain in the ass. BUT, in the airport there is a federal currency exchange station that you can change large amounts of cash over with your passport. I would recommend doing that, and then when you need more cash going to the Bank District and changing you money at one of the major banks. But, you must always have your passport when you change money.
Also, if you do use your credit card, there will be at least a 20 pesos charge added to your tab as you are expected to pay the fee that the credit card company charges the business.

Coffee - coffee in the supermarkets is hideous. they roast it with sugar (!!!!!) and it tastes like crap. The only coffee I ever found worth buying was Bonafide and at Cafe Baraka, they have cafes all over the city, but you must ask for cafe sin sucre. crazy..... because the coffee in the cafes is wonderful – so my recommendation is to either bring coffee with you or have your coffee in the cafes.

Don't expect spice. I think that salt is considered the only spice in the city. That being said, lots of times no spice is needed as the food is really good. But, after many weeks of un-spiced food, I was dying for a curry. Also most restaurants do not have black pepper. So if you want black pepper for your food, bring it with you.

Getting around - the subte is great, just make sure you keep your belongings in your possession at all times. No backbacks on your back! Bags should be clutched to your tummy. The panhandlers are much more aggressive here. The collectivos are also great, although they look dicey. They run 24/7 and get you anywhere you need to go. You pay when you get on at this huge machine by the driver, tell the driver where you are going and the fare will appear on the machine, coins only! Keep the receipt that prints out! Often collectivo inspectors will board and ask to see everyone's receipts. You have to exit from the back door and the buzzer to be let off is at the back door. I went several stops past my stop the first time I took it before someone took pity on me and showed me how to signal the driver. Also, you have to flag them down at their stops like a cab, other wise they don't stop, and people line up to get on in a very orderly fashion, they don't clump and push like here, and if you do, they will tell you off. Be aware that sometimes they only slow down to a crawl and let you on or off, which is an adventure in itself. But always wait to see if he is really going to stop or not.

Non-tango things:

You MUST go to the Palacio Barolo on ave de Mayo in downtown
best tourist thing I ever did, and best 20 pesos I ever spent. It is an amazing tour of an amazing building built by an eccentric and inspired man. You have to book ahead though as there is a limit on how many folks can take the tour. When you reach the end, the top of the building, you will understand why. :-) It also affords the best view of the city I saw in my entire 2 months there.

Barrio Chino - I did a lot of my food shopping here. The only place I found reasonably priced fresh herbs as well as black pepper (a rare find) and curries. As well as fresh fish.
In Barrio Chino there is a wonderful tea house called Buddha Bar that you should go to. Fantastic teas and scrumptious looking pastries (which I could not have). It was a haven of respite in a crazy busy street. Also, if you shop here for your food (which you should do), go on Tuesdays, that is the morning that everything arrives fresh, so it is the day to shop. I bought a simple cloth sack from a street vendor and used it when I food shopped.

Recoleta Cemetary – this is where all the famous folks are buried, including the Peron family. It is an above ground city of the dead. Amazing and awe inspiring. Just don’t go at dusk… spooooky ;-) LOTS of cats!

Eva Peron Museum – Palermo – an amazing house that has been turned into a museum honoring Evita, it used to be a boarding house for women coming in from the country in search of a better life. Quite a good few hours.

Botanical Gardens in Palermo – AMAZING. Just gorgeous and a fantastic afternoon. It is open year round as their winter is 50’s and sunny, so things grow year round. Be aware – this is the epicenter for all the feral cats in Buenos Aires. So there are cats EVERYWHERE. Some are friendly, some are not, but they are all feral and getting a scratch from them can cause cat scratch fever – which is severely unpleasant.

Museum of Modern Latin American Art - Avenida Figueroa Alcorta 3415 – near the Plaza de Peru. Amazing museum filled with artists I had never been taught about. So worth the admission price – they are normally closed on Tuesdays.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009


I do not understand the need to "make" someone dance with you. It just goes against what a social dance should be to my mind. Two recent events have spurred this thought and title of this post, which reminds me of a two year old demanding something they can't have....

A little while ago the final Tango de los Muertos happened in Boston, and it was a glorious time! One of the themes of the night milongas was "Disguised" and a friend of mine was so looking forward to this theme because they were planning on completely disguising themselves so that they could get dances with those whom they do not normally dance. The plan was that my friend was going to "make dancers who never dance with me to dance with me". I am not sure how exactly they thought this would work out. I asked why on earth would one actively seek out a dance with someone who does not wish to dance with them, why not look to new people whom one might be more compatible with. The response was "I've been dancing xx years, they should dance with me!"

We discussed the differences in style, preferences, etc. But my friend would not budge - this was the opportunity to "make" someone dance with them. How did that work? Not so well, despite completely disguising their appearance, the intended prey eluded being cornered into a dance. And instead of focusing on the dances that were available and interested, all the focus was on what they could not have. Which made for a miserable night I was told. My comment of "I told you so" was not very well received....

Then I had an experience of being on the quarry end of this odd behaviour. There is a leader who regularly chides me for not dancing with him. Now, if he opened a dialogue at a practica (which he rarely attends), that would be different. But instead he tries to guilt trip me at milongas for turning him down, he even went to the point of saying to me "I will stop asking you to dance if you don't accept me soon!" The thing is, he never asks me why I don't accept his invitation, it is always a rather pointed accusation that I refuse him. If he asked, I would tell him that his embrace is very uncomfortable and restrictive for me, so I don't dance with him. But he has never asked, just throws barbs. Which I could care less about and is not exactly enticing me to accept next time.

Then I had a birthday dance, and he cut in. After the birthday dance, he came over to me and said "See, you should dance with me! I don't want to only get to dance with you when you have a birthday dance! You should give me another shot!"

I don't want to. The ten seconds I danced with him were restrictive and unpleasant. And I should not have to become a bitch in order for him to accept that just as it is his prerogative to ask for a dance, it is a followers prerogative to decline. I don't understand this obsessive behavior with some people towards dancing with people with whom it is not a mutually enjoyable experience. I am not saying that you must dance only on your "level" - that is not a helpful choice in growing the community. But focusing only on the unattainable seems like masochism to me. In all of the cities that I dance in, there are leaders whom I am friendly with but either they do not ask me, or I do not accept dances from them. And in most cases, this is ok, we can be friendly off the dance floor even though we do not meet on the dance floor.

Choosing a dance partner for a tanda is very personal for me, and if I know or believe that a pairing will not be enjoyable on any level, then why go through that? And the same for someone who chooses or does not choose to dance with me. I want to feel tango joy from my partner, not frustration or reluctance.

Friday, October 16, 2009

little mini breakups

"You don't want to break up yet. Right?

Possibly the best question I have ever been asked during a cortina.

Ending the dance with someone really can be like a little mini break up. In all the different aspects of a breakup. Sometimes you know that even though you are breaking up, you will get back together later that night. Sometimes you know that this relationship was a complete and utter mistake, and it is better that you both part ways. Other times it is bittersweet, you know that neither of you can take any more, but the time you had was so sweet and perfect. And sometimes it is better if you are just friends.

The tandas that we have are relationships. They are connections that either happen or don't. And when they do happen, they can be anything from playful to sweet to melancholy to intense. No connection is the same, and no connection can be recreated, even if you go back for more at another time, or if you have a "regular" thing.

Maybe that is why it all seems so personal. Who we like to dance with, who asks us to dance, who we want to dance with. Perhaps that is also why jealousy is such an issue in the tango world. We can't bear the thought that someone else is feeling either something different, or something stronger, than we do.

Friday, October 02, 2009


Has it really been 2 months since I wrote anything?? I guess it has....
How bizarre...

It is not as though nothing has happened. Stuff has happened. I am back at work. Back at school. Organizing tango. Dancing tango. Life and love. And yet every time I think I should write a post, words fail me.

I feel restless. I have been in the same place for quite awhile now, and I am not used to that. The amount of travel that we are doing helps, but it does not change the fact that I feel restless. As is Sorin. Which makes things even more interesting. I want to travel to Europe. I want to go back to BA.

I am home alone this weekend, Sorin is off to Princeton Festival while I have something special happening tomorrow night (I'll write about it Sunday, please hold your thumbs for me that I won't make a fool of myself). And if you are in Boston, please come to Saturday's Tango Paradiso and give me a hug of encouragement around 11:45-ish...

There are some interesting projects in the making, which I will talk about once they are up and going, I don't want to jinx them. But I am hoping that the new projects, which are in addition to all the other projects I have going on (hell, we sleep when we are dead, right???) will help to calm the gypsy in me who is poking at my sides rather insistently.

Thursday, August 06, 2009


Things I no longer have to do:

- Flag down the colectivo. Here, the buses stop if you are at the bus stop! How delightful!
I flagged down the bus as I went into the center today, and the driver explained to me that I did not have to do that, he would stop at all bus stops if someone was there. I felt like an idiot. But it became second nature to step to the curb and raise my hand when I saw a bus coming towards me.

- Speak Spanish. Went into the grocery story and asked the lady at the service counter "Donde esta el bano?" She spoke Spanish, so it was not too embarrassing. But after she told me where (in Spanish), she asked me where I was from "Estados Uni.......dos....... doh!" I answered.....I then explained I had spent the last two months in Argentina and was not used to speaking English to people at service counters. And come to think of it, I was not used to service counters! She laughed, thought it was funny, and complimented my accent.

- Hoard coins. I was trying to figure out how to not give the bus my quarters, since I did not have a dollar bill, and then I remembered - it's ok. The US government makes lots of the little shiny discs. I did not need to hoard them to myself. I could feel free to spend them.

- Line dry clothes - my drier and I have become bosom buddies again... I love my drier. And I am not ashamed to admit it! And I have a feeling I will enjoy ironing again now that I do not have t spread a towel on the table to iron Sorin's shirts. But it is 80 degrees today and humid, so no ironing today. That will be another day's joy.


So, re-insertion into Boston. Not the pain and suffering I had been warned about. I wonder if it is worse for leaders than followers....

I think that the key is to not expect your home community to be Buenos Aires, or to compare it to Buenos Aires. That is not fair, there is no possible way your home tango could stand up to Buenos Aires. Mecca is Mecca and no place else can come close. So to constantly compare the two can only lead to disappointment and depression. In my mind anyway. Maybe that is a bit Pollyanna of me, but it is how I am approaching this re-acclimation.

Regardless, I ended up dancing the entire night of my first milonga back in Boston, and with only one exception (which was my fault for not watching the leader dance before I accepted, considering I did not know him) - each dance was really enjoyable. I discovered that there was a whole new layer to each leader that I did not hear before. And I was able to be more interactive, also it seemed like I had oodles of time as I stepped. Remember when you were a beginner and it seemed that there was no time to do anything other than step? And even that seemed rushed? Well, now I feel almost languorous at times, as though there was all the time in the world in between beats. It really was a lovely night. I did not get to dance with everyone that I wanted to, but that is ok - I will get to dance with them soon I am sure. :o)

I also really enjoyed being the Shoe fairy - it was like handing out bundles of happiness in satin bags. :o) I have two more shoes to give out, and I am so looking forward to their expressions as well!